Écrin d'Éther

It again started of with severe panic attacks (I have been suffering from a severe panic and anxiety disorder for almost 20 years) and I started screaming (like in pain) again (has been the case in all of the 12 trips I did so far). But I tried to finally just accept it, let it do its thing.. Untill it suddenly stopped and all went quiet.
I also put quite a bit of effort in my sound equipment and playlist, which paid off: after the initial very difficult start, everything suddenly changed, the room became music, music became space and I became space and music. I started floating in this musical universe and I just felt happiness for the first time in like, I'd say, ever. I can't even tell if I ever experienced it ever before. I can't even tell for sure if this feeling actually was "joy", I just didn't know it untill then. I also felt something I'd call love. Love for myself, love for the people and world around me. Love in a way that felt unfamiliar, which I might have felt for the first time a few trips ago: motherly or parental love. That feeling kept haunting me ever since, I wanted it back, but never could. That feeling of love tried to come back during this trip, but it felt like there was this invisble screen between me and love.
And I got kinda distracted by the music, which was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. The love to detail, the clarity, all was music, it was just beautiful, magical. I started to understand and see things from the past, finally realised my panic attacks and excruciating fear have always been fed by a fear of death I had since an accident 30 years, where I pretty much, well, died basically. I just never realised, as I thought it was "normal", I thought I dealt with it and facing death was just being "real". I still had some doubt within me, which I still have today, but it feels like I just have to accept it, that it actually might be just as simple and stupid as it is.

There was a sad song I deliberately placed into my playlist, planned to come during the peak phase. It was supposed to confront me with my deepest sadness and darkest part of my life. Contradictory to what I expected to happen, I just lied there laughing, being happy. This is where I felt I was finally freed from the past, that I could finally be and feel and live without being tied to it, that's where I started to feel joy for the first time ever, or at least I'd describe it as joy. Ever since I can listen to this song without crying, without feeling I’m falling apart.

While going to the toilet I was just amazed about feeling this joy, I even started something like dancing (my motor-skills were heavily impaired, so much didn't happen, but it happened "within" me). It would take me another 6-7 weeks actually to let out this “dancing” at a party, where I danced the living soul out of me, after almost 20 years.

After all of this I just continued the trip enjoying the beautiful music from my playlist (Jon Hopkins is a genius!), being amazed about the artist’s work, feeling “one” with it all, feeling all this beauty.
Finally, when things were coming to an end and I was piecing myself together and I could operate my mobile phone again, I put on some music from my younger days, which usually would make me melancholic, but this time just filled me with this enormous gratitude, feeling privileged of having witnessed it all, instead of being sad that it’s all gone.

One thing I’d like to add: I never wanted children, I had always been convinced that I just wasn’t able to feel love for children. This was not just a conviction, this was just simply true. I just couldn’t feel it. I assumed this was just something that I was never able to develop.
2-3 nights after the trip, I had a dream which seemed to “close” the trip, which led me where I didn’t seem to be able to go during the trip itself. In this dream I had a daughter, I guess 4-6 years old. Something was threatening us, was threatening her, so I held her close to me, tried to protect her. I have never, ever, come even close to feeling this tremendous love for anything or anyone, not even by far. It was like something had been awoken within me. It’s been 6 or 7 weeks now, I can still feel this, even if I would deem it impossible being able to remember and actually feel a dream several weeks later. It really felt like it was a closing sequal to my trip. I’m trying to integrate this feeling in my life and I realise, I’ve been missing quite a few parts of life, of me. I won’t be able to make up for it anymore, but I try to carry and feel this love within me and bring it into the world, to the people around me. It feels like I can finally feel love, real love. It's not easy, but it's not impossible anymore.
Thank you. Sorry for this long text.